Beautiful
by J.J. Blue
Summary: There's much more than what Seishiro realizes in his appreciation of Subaru's beauty... (SxS) [Betaed]


**Title: "Beautiful"**  
**Author: J.J.**  
**Warning:** It's an AU **BASED ON THE MANGA**, it probably contains some OOCness, uses Japanese words (the dictionary is at the bottom) and includes some spoilers.  
**Notes:** If only people had Wished the right things and Kamui had gone around fulfilling the right Wishes **'X'** would have been much more happier...  
**Warning over notes:** This fic has notes. You will find them at the bottom. Each time you see a number between brackets it means there's a note connected to the word/sentence that preceded it. However I suggest you to read the notes **_AFTER_** you finished the fic unless the word/sentence connected to the note is really troublesome for you to understand. Anyway the fic should be still understandable without the notes. Notes are merely extra explanations for who wants to know more.  
**Disclaimer:**  
**"Tokyo Babylon"** and **"X"** belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...  
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?  
**Thanks:** To **Ruth** for betaing this! Thank you a lot!  
**Summary:** _There's much more than what Seishiro realizes in his appreciation of Subaru's beauty..._

* * *

_**"You're beautiful. You're beautiful.  
You're beautiful, it's true.  
I saw your face in a crowded place,  
And I don't know what to do,  
'Cause I'll never be with you. **_

**_You're beautiful. You're beautiful.  
You're beautiful, it's true.  
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,  
When she thought up that I should be with you.  
But it's time to face the truth,  
I will never be with you."  
(James Blunt - "You're beautiful")_**

"Don't you ever grow bored with watching him?" the teenager asked in a mildly amused tone, interrupting him while he was dedicating _'a bit'_ (not more than three hours, really) of his free time to his favourite pastime. "Just watching him and never touching?"

"Why should I? Subaru-kun is beautiful. Who could get bored watching a work of art?" he asked, mildly surprised at how the teenager could miss such an obvious fact. "Besides who said I never touch?" he added with a frown. So, okay, he wasn't touching that much but one wasn't supposed to touch works of art. No one with an ounce of brain would go around and grope the David or caress the Mona Lisa.(1) Works of art were supposed to be admired, not groped. However, rarely, he had conceded himself a bit of groping. A hug here, a caress there... After all Subaru-kun was a work of art he owned, **_his_** work of art, and what was the point of owning something if he couldn't touch it?

The teenager snorted inelegantly.

"Beautiful, you say?" he replied in a sceptical tone and the man smiled amiably at him as he fought down the urge to smash the teenager's face and flicked his cigarette instead, so that the ash fell on the ground, or to be more precise on the roof of the building from which he'd been observing Subaru-kun. "Where do you see all the beauty you talk about? Maybe you should remove those shades you're so fond of and truly look at him," the teenager continued, shaking his head in disapprobation.

The man shrugged carelessly in a typical _'teenagers these days are dumb and can't really understand a thing'_ attitude.

"Subaru-kun **_is_** beautiful," he stated calmly in a tone of supreme certainty. "There's no doubt about it," he continued, closing his eyes as he pictured the boy in his mind with a wistful smile. "His limbs are slender, agile and graceful, his hands could rival the ones of a piano player and he moves them with such a natural grace each time he traces a Ketsu-in I can't help but feel tempted to stare, his skin is like porcelain, so smooth not even velvet could compare, and can blush so deliciously it seems to invite you to embarrass him, his hair is so black and so fine it's a pleasure to touch it, his lips so red, soft and supple they seems to be made to be kissed and can offer the world the most beautiful of smiles, the eyes so green, so shiny, perfect pools in which all his feelings shimmer, beautiful green jewels shadowed by long, dark lashes that can make girls jealous. The way he moves and acts... so innocent and yet... mature in a certain way, makes him look too adorable for words, as cute as no one can hope to be. When he was a teenager he was already striking but now... now there's no one that can compare to him. He's a work of art," he stated and then he opened his eyes and turned his gaze on the teenager. "Really, I can't understand how you can miss how beautiful he is. Maybe **_you_** should start wearing eyeglasses instead of shades, Kamui," he added with a slight smirk. The teenager looked completely unaffected by his words.(2)

"A work of art you say?" He arched one of his eyebrows, his expression becoming doubtful. "Oh well, in a fashion he is, if you like the decadent style. He's so skinny his clothes literally hang on him and, without them, I bet you could count each of his bones, the skin of his hands must have been delicate and now its ruined because he didn't bother taking proper care of it, his nails are filled with white signs that show a lack of calcium in his diet, his skin is unnaturally and unhealthily pale and the blue of his veins has gotten even more marked due to it. Scars also mar it, scars of wounds he didn't bother to threat properly. His lips are chapped, a clear sign of lack of Vitamin C in his diet. The few times he smiles that smile never reaches his eyes. His eyes that he always keeps downcast, eyes either dull or filled with pain and circled by dark rings that clearly show his lack of sleep. He smokes too much, so much that nicotine has become part of his scent, has roughened his voice, has given him a permanent cough and has yellowed his teeth and his fingers. He looks at the world with no hope, finding strength to go on only in his only and true Wish, a Wish only you can fulfil, as he's the only one who can fulfil yours. Oh, I almost forgot, now he has also lost one of his eyes and he wanders around with his face half wrapped in bandages,"(3) the teenager concluded dismissively as if he had had no part in Subaru-kun's loss and the man felt annoyed at the reminder of Subaru-kun's injury and at the criticism of his property. It wasn't like that brat had the right to look at it or wish for it either but, at the moment, that was beyond the point. No one could criticize his property.

"He really doesn't match my idea of beauty but, after all, you're not exactly all that perfect yourself, are you?" the youth added with a teasing grin.

The man frowned and looked at him darkly.

"I'll have you know people think I'm devastatingly sexy," he replied crossly. The teenager shrugged dismissively.

"Maybe long ago the Ten no Ryu you're so fond of might have told you that you were, probably out of the kindness of his heart, but, if he ever believed it, it was likely because he never looked around that much. From what I can see you weren't exactly perfection to begin with and now... now you're also getting old," the boy countered, looking him up and down. "Skipping the fact that you too, like him, are a smoker and smoke did the same to you that it did to him, your eyesight is bad enough to force you to wear glasses to read, you have lost an eye, you're getting fat and your hair is getting grey and you're starting to have wrinkles," the teenager informed him grinning carelessly, the perfect portrait of a youth that didn't respect his elders.

"Wrinkles?" the man echoed with honest dismay. Surely the boy was wrong. He was nothing less than stunningly handsome and Subaru-kun would surely agree with him. So, okay, the boy had never actually told him, but that was just because Subaru-kun was shy, very, very shy. He could always read clearly in Subaru-kun's eyes that the boy thought him beautiful, the best thing in the world. Subaru-kun was completely fascinated by him, he just knew it. He was dead-certain of it. The fact he kept asking Subaru-kun if the boy found him sexy meant nothing, it was just a way to tease Subaru-kun. He, surely, had never needed any reassurance about how stunning he was.

"Now that Ten no Ryu would have to lie to tell you he finds an old man like you even remotely sexy, especially considering that recently he has been around a cute... kitten... that likes to rub against him and be petted in return..." the boy continued allusively with a mocking grin, cocking his head slightly, and a side of the man literally fumed at the thought of someone else touching **_his_** property. Subaru-kun was his, his, **_his_** No one but him was allowed to touch Subaru-kun. No one. "But, I forgot, you aren't interested in touching, you only want to gaze from afar..." the teenager added with a shrug. "Well, I guess I'll see you around. Maybe we'll go to eat ice cream together again..." he offered then in a rather distracted tone, as if to imply it would make no difference for him if they did or not.

"Yeah, sure," the man replied dismissively without paying the youth any real attention, his eyes staring intently at Subaru-kun's figure, his thoughts completely focused on what that... brat had told him. It was a lie, that was for sure. That couldn't be true... could it?

* * *

Saying that he was walking back to his apartment would have been an exaggeration. What he was doing was more like crawling back to his apartment, despite his stubborn efforts to keep his back straight and his walk proper, as he had been taught so long ago. He had left the hospital only a few days ago and, of course, he had immediately thrown himself head down into work, Into morally supporting Kamui, into looking for Nekoi-san and, of course, into looking for Seishiro-san. Obviously the last thing was the one into which he had put the most and the best of his efforts. Wasted efforts really, as he knew only too well. He just wasn't able to track the man down. That time at Nakano he had been lucky and he didn't expect to be that lucky twice.(4)

He should still be in the hospital but Shinjuku Hospital had been evacuated and he had taken it as the perfect excuse to declare himself ready to return to work.(5) He wasn't but that didn't matter to him. At all. It wasn't like he cared about his well-being.

His apartment was in poor condition after Shinjuku's earthquake, he knew, and yet he had refused to move at CLAMP Gakuen with the other Chi no Ryu. He was going to stay here, in the place in which he had been residing from when he had moved to Tokyo with his sister, in that apartment that held lot of memories but that didn't feel like home anymore, no more than his hospital room had done, a place that Seishiro-san knew well and could track down easily... when and if he felt the wish to finish the job he started so long ago. Not that Subaru was dared to actually hope it would happen. To Seishiro-san he was nothing, not even worth killing and yet he Wished...

He chased the thought away. So many people had visited him while he was at the hospital, so many people had tried to show him they cared about him despite the fact Subaru knew he didn't deserve it. Even the Chi no Ryu's Kamui had visited him, and that visit had been the weirdest of all, because the boy didn't feel regret for what he had done or care for Subaru, that was for sure.

He remembered feeling startled as he had noticed a tall form leaning against the door of his hospital room, mistaking it for the one of... a certain person... and feeling bitter disappointment as he realized he had been wrong and shame at how he had permitted the teenager to get so close to him without him noticing it, but he had to admit he was... too lost in his thoughts to be careful. Actually, he was lost in a single thought, the same single thought in which he was always lost. He really had a sick heart as that woman said.(6)

"Don't worry, I'm not here for a fight," the one who once had answered to the name of Fuma and now was going around calling himself Kamui had said in a casual tone. "I've just... been wondering... is the Wish I perceive your only Wish? Given the chance wouldn't you Wish for something else? Something better?" he had asked him. Subaru had stared at him at the unexpected question and then had turned his gaze away from him rather hurriedly as the teenager's form started to look again like the one of the person he so desperately wanted to see.

"I can't think of anything better," he had admitted, lowering his head and making a point of not looking at the Chi no Ryu's Kamui further. He believed he was already miserable enough to not need a reminder of what he wanted and would never get. "There's nothing else I could hope for," he had added in a tone of quiet resignation. Really, what else could he hope to get?

"You should be more creative, really, but disillusioned people rarely are..." the boy had commented and then he had left as silently as he came, so silently it had taken a while before Subaru realized it.

And now he was here, mulling over that meeting. Even the Chi no Ryu's Kamui had come to visit him but not the person he wanted to see the most. That person hadn't bothered with coming and why should he have? Subaru's well-being was meaningless to that person and so it was meaningless to Subaru as well... Why should he care when that person didn't?

He wondered over the Chi no Ryu's world. Was it because he wasn't creative enough that he had ended in that situation, that he had failed _'his'_ expectations?

But he had never been creative, he had always been like that.

Creativity was Hokuto-chan's gift, not his. Really, his sister had always been so much better than him... so much more worthy of living... And now she was dead and he was alive and it was entirely his fault. Had Seishiro-san made the bet with her she would have managed to stand a chance against the man, had he done it she would have surely won and...

A pang of sharp pain he shouldn't have been allowed to feel hit him. Hokuto-chan would have won for sure and Seishiro-san would have loved her and he... he just couldn't bear the idea. He lowered his head even more in shame. He preferred his sister dead than in a relationship with Seishiro-san. He was such a horrible person...

His gaze fell on the mirror in the elevator and he turned away from it as soon as he could, disgusted by his own appearance. He was disgusting in and out. No wonder he meant nothing to Seishiro-san who instead was... The man was everything Subaru couldn't be, everything Subaru wanted and his heart longed painfully for Seishiro-san. He sighed as he left the elevator and walked to his own apartment door, trying hard to not eye Hokuto-chan's apartment door which was right next to his,(7) knowing very well it wouldn't help him to go there, that he would only find it painfully empty, as empty as his heart was. He had nothing, he mused as he opened his apartment door, nothing except his own Wi...

He was startled when a hand grabbed him and pulled him inside, pressing him forcefully against the wall, as another hand covered his mouth, silencing him. He was about to react, he might be depressed and injured but that didn't mean he would stand passively against an aggressor, probably a robber, when a well-known voice spoke at the same time at which a well-known scent filled his nostrils.

"Hush... we must talk," Seishiro-san told him curtly, pushing the door with his foot, causing it to slam shut. Subaru fell silent immediately and stared at the man, his demeanour apparently calm and collected, even if his heart was beating so fast and so loud he feared even the neighbours could hear it, and a tiny side of him felt he should apologize for it. The rest of his whole being, however, was completely focused on Seishiro-san, Seishiro-san who was pressed against him, holding him, here, real, in his home, with him, maybe about to kill him and... and...

"Subaru-kun," the man began in a very serious tone, removing his hand from Subaru's mouth, apparently believing Subaru would keep silent as he had requested. "You do think I'm sexy, don't you?" he asked even more seriously and Subaru blinked, utterly confused and feeling an odd sense of déjà-vu. He must have misunderstood. That or he was having hallucinations. Surely Seishiro-san wouldn't come to his apartment in the middle of the night to ask him that question he had been so fond of posing during the year of the bet and which Subaru had always been unable to answer, not after all that had happened between them, not with that serious look he had never used when posing it before. Yet everything seemed so real, so completely real...

There was a long silent pause in which the boy simply gazed at the man as if trying to make sense of his words and, during it, Seishiro carefully studied Subaru-kun, trying to find in him the imperfections Kamui had mentioned and failing. Subaru-kun was nothing short of a work of art, the boy was beautiful, far more than his mother had been, far more than everything in the universe, with maybe the exception of himself. Beautiful. Simply beautiful. So perfectly beautiful...

"You find me astonishingly beautiful, tremendously sexy, don't you, Subaru-kun?" he asked again, his hand moving to gently caress the soft porcelain skin of Subaru-kun's cheek, loathing how those bandages were stopping him from bathing his eyes in the boy's whole beauty, hiding part of it from his gaze. "You find me the most beautiful thing in the world as I find you the most beautiful thing in the world, don't you?" he continued, not realizing what he was admitting in his need to get some reassurance, only fascinated by how Subaru-kun's beautiful green eyes... eye... widened as he spoke. "Don't you?" he prodded in a gentler tone.

"Seishiro-san, I..." the youth began, soft lips moving so gracefully as his lovely voice spoke his name, then the boy trailed off, unable to put in words what he felt for the man. And, had he know how to put it in words, would he be able to say it out loud? Should he say it out loud? Would it make a difference? Subaru didn't know, his mind unable to elaborate the sentence _'Seishiro-san is here'_ any further, uncaring of who Seishiro-san truly was and what he did, his only Wish pulsating through his whole being, the idea it might be fulfilled soon affecting him like some sort of drug that made him almost light-headed. He wanted Seishiro-san to kill him in that moment, in that moment in which he could delude himself the man was viewing him as something more than an object, he wanted the man to kill him and hold him as he exhaled his dying breath, he wanted...

"You think of me, only of me and no one else, you Wish only for me in those long, cold, lonely nights, me, not Kamui or anyone else who ever crossed your path, don't you?" the man asked, moving even closer, speaking of thoughts the boy was so used to suppressing that they were almost completely buried in his subconscious, causing him dreams he was never able to remember waking up. And what would be the point of remembering them, after all? They would just be shameful fantasies that would never be fulfilled. No, it was much better not to remember what caused him to awake panting in the middle of the night to discover he had laundry to do. Much better, really. Seishiro-san wouldn't manage to make him change his mind. If the man was in the mood for one of his twisted little games he could go play with someone else.

"Seishiro-san, I..." he tried to say again but now the man was so close to him they were almost breathing each other's breath and that wasn't helping him find the words he wanted to say. At all. "I..." _'I want you to leave,'_ he should have said but he had never learnt the art of lying and, by then, it was too late. _'I want you to stay and never leave,'_ he wanted to say but he knew how foolish that would have sounded and so... so he could only remain in silence and stare hopelessly at the man for whom he lived. The man for whom he would die. The only one who could fulfil his Wish.

"Me, Subaru-kun. Thinks only about me, want only me," the man continued in a raw tone when the boy fell silent, covering the short distance that divided them and pressing their mouths together. The action was so new, confusing and surprising for the boy it drained his strength and he would have slid to the ground if the man hadn't wrapped his arms around him, supporting him. The boy closed his eyes and let himself be kissed, kissed so gently and yet so longingly, without participating but without pushing the other away either, knowing for the other this was just a cruel joke, a way to amuse himself at his expenses, but unable and unwilling to escape from it. He had gone on for so long with so little he was willing to accept the tiniest scrap of illusion of affection from the man, no matter the price. The kiss ended sooner than Subaru would have liked and, with it, the illusion he could mean something to the man. Numbly he lowered his head as he felt another piece of himself, he wasn't sure if it was his heart, his soul, his pride or his sanity, falling into a void after having been carelessly broken by the man. Not that he cared. At the moment he felt too numb to care about it. He cared about nothing really and, had Seishiro-san let go of him, he would have fallen to the floor like a broken doll without making a sound.

Seishiro-san... Subaru just knew the man wouldn't kill him that night. He had only come here to break him a little more, to give him a taste of what Subaru knew he would never have, to show Subaru another of those beautiful illusions the man was so good at creating and destroying and now he would leave, and Subaru would remain with nothing but his Wish again... alone... in that cold, empty apartment... alone with his Wish... whose fulfilment seemed so far... so very far...

"Don't cry, Subaru-kun," the man whispered in his ear, informing him of something he had been completely unaware of doing. Crying? Was he crying? Did he still have tears left? He had no idea, after Hokuto-chan's death he had never been able to cry again... his eyes always painfully dry despite the overwhelming desperation he felt inside. He should be crying, his cheeks felt wet, but he had no strength to brush those soundless tears away and anyway... he didn't care about them. Seishiro-san didn't really care if he cried or not, so Subaru didn't care as well. It didn't matter if his tears continued to fall silently. "Don't cry," the man repeated, sounding almost... puzzled... and then Subaru felt Seishiro-san's hand resting on his cheeks, trying to gently brush his tears away with his thumb, before giving up and nipping at Subaru's lobe. Subaru absently moved away a bit, a corner of his brain registering the wet contact as weird and annoying, not quite to his liking, an automatic reaction that didn't really constitute an attempt to escape from the man's hold, in which he remained limply. Seishiro-san paused only a moment to study him, then smiled gently and cradled him closer before moving to nip his neck delicately, almost warily, as if he was trying to discover if Subaru preferred that. Subaru preferred that and this caused a sob to escape from his lips as Subaru's heart broke some more. Why should he love that man so much? Why? Why should he love someone who would never love him back so much? "Don't cry, Subaru-kun," Seishiro-san asked him again, kissing him on his temple gently, almost comfortingly. "Don't cry. Just... think of me..." Seishiro-san insisted, as if he was unaware that Subaru wasn't capable of doing anything else, Subaru would never be able to do something that wasn't thinking of Seishiro-san. Thinking of Seishiro-san was all that Subaru knew how to do.

Seishiro-san kissed him again, so very, very gently, as if afraid Subaru would shatter at the minimal pressure and Subaru let him, knowing that good sense dictated he should push him away, but totally unable to do so because he simply Wished for it to much, Wished for it so intensely at the moment that it obscured even his usual Wish, that it silenced every rational side of his mind. He Wished to be with Seishiro-san, to be held by him, thinking of him, only of him and, at the moment, it didn't matter if Seishiro-san didn't care about him, it didn't matter, because as long as Seishiro-san was with him, Subaru could content himself with that. As long as Seishiro-san was with him... As long as Seishiro-san was with him...

His arms moved slowly so that his hands could grip the soft cloth of Seishiro-san's suit, could feel it under his bare fingers and could cling to it so tightly they would crumple it beyond salvation, so tightly nothing would manage to rip it from them. They didn't let go when Seishiro-san parted from him, interrupting the kiss. Seishiro-san didn't comment about his grip, he merely continued to hold Subaru in silence. Subaru who had turned his face away refused to look at him. For a while nothing happened. Seishiro-san merely stared at Subaru and Subaru just contented himself with gripping Seishiro-san's jacket, then Subaru's lips moved, forcing out some words from his dry mouth and breaking the silence.

"I think of you, only of you..." Subaru admitted in a quiet whisper, knowing he was doing the most stupid thing he had ever done in his life but unable to stop, his voice raw and empty as he admitted that. He knew it was going to be an mistake, giving the man what he wanted and, at the same time, admitting his weakness. Seishiro-san wouldn't have any more reasons to stay now that he had got what he came for and, in fact, Subaru felt the man distancing himself from him. Subaru didn't look at him. He didn't want to see that gaze in Seishiro-san's eyes, that gaze he had used to look at him when they had been in his Maboroshi that day at the hospital. Nor did he want to see if the man was smirking at him in childish triumph. After all he hadn't given voice to his feelings for Seishiro-san's benefit. For once Subaru had spoken for himself only. He had kept that truth trapped inside himself for too long, he needed it to be exposed. He didn't care about the consequences at the moment. He just needed to give voice to his feelings. He would worry about the consequences later. After all, he was already broken without hope for salvation, teetering on the edge of suicide and dangerously close to insanity. What else was there in him that Seishiro-san could break? The vague grip that Subaru had on that pretence of normality that made people believe he was still functioning properly, when instead he was just a broken and discharged toy? He had no idea and he didn't care. All he cared for at that moment was to keep holding Seishiro-san's jacket. It didn't matter what the man would do to him, he wouldn't let it go.

He was startled when Seishiro-san, instead of trying to free himself from his grasp, struggling out of it or trying to pry himself free or hurting Subaru in the hope he would let go, bent down so he could pick Subaru up in his arms, bridal style, and then looked down at Subaru, as if expecting a reaction from him. Subaru stared at him helplessly, then clung to him like a frightened child as the man began to walk. It was so nice, in a fashion, to be helpless in Seishiro-san's arms, to depend on him... Subaru didn't care about where Seishiro-san was carrying him. Subaru would have been fine even if Seishiro-san had carried him to a window, planning to throw him out of it. All Subaru cared for the moment, all he wanted was to merely enjoy the feeling of being in Seishiro-san's arms as he hadn't been in such a long time. He...

He was surprised when he was laid down on a bed, his bed, he realized, as the man sat next to him and gently brushed his hair away from his forehead.

"Are you thinking of me, Subaru-kun? Are you thinking of me as much as I am thinking of you? Are you thinking of me even more than I'm thinking of you?" Seishiro-san asked him, his expression still so serious and intense it made him strangely nervous. This didn't seem to be another of Seishiro-san's jokes, or games, or whatever and he was old enough to know where all that could lead... an option he shouldn't even consider... However... However...

It was time to make a choice. He could try to back out, as everyone would likely expect him to do, likely causing Seishiro-san to leave or... or he could... go on with it, a thing that would assure him Seishiro-san's presence for some more time. Subaru wasn't stupid. He knew it was rather idiotic to do... that... with a man, with a man who couldn't care less about him, with a man who was his sister's murderer, the Sakurazukamori and a Chi no Ryu, just in order to keep that man a little bit longer with him. He flatly didn't care. Seishiro-san was the world to him. For a second of the man's attention he would have given up everything, his life included. Doing... that... seemed such a small price to pay...

"Always..." he replied in the end, unable to lie and unable to keep it to himself, staring intently at Seishiro-san, wishing he knew how to say much more than just that word. Seishiro-san smiled, an almost childish smile of satisfaction, and then bent down over him and kissed him again, still gently, yet definitely much more deeply than before. This time, however, Subaru found the courage to circle Seishiro-san's neck with his arms, holding the man as tightly as possible, refusing to let go. He wouldn't let Seishiro-san go, not this time, no matter the price. His mind refused to care about the price, he could only think of the fact that Seishiro-san was here, with him, kissing him, acting as if he cared for him, acting as if Subaru meant something for him and, even if Subaru knew it was probably another lie, he was unwilling to pass up the chance. He refused to pass up the chance. More kisses followed, and touches, touches he had never experienced before, and actions, actions he had never hoped or imagined to witness and that now were performed on him, then... then there was naked skin, naked skin he had never hoped he would touch and naked skin he had never thought would be touched, pleasure, so much pleasure, such a warm beautiful pleasure... and pain, sharp pain, sharp pain drowned again by pleasure, so much pleasure, pleasure, only pleasure and love, so much love for that man that was holding him and that he was holding as well, so much love... only love... and then... finally... oblivion...

* * *

Seishiro stared intently at Subaru-kun as the boy slept curled next to him. There was a tiny smile on the boy's lips and, for once, Subaru-kun had a serene and content look that no one had ever seen on his features, which were usually always tormented by a quiet pain before. Seishiro could clearly see the boy was still beautiful, still perfect, even now with his hair ruffled, the bandages half undone, a couple of red marks on his neck, marks he hadn't planned on giving him, really, but that he hadn't been able to stop himself from causing, and his whole body thoroughly enjoyed and tasted by him during their lovemaking. Actually, red marks on his neck notwithstanding, he had been gentle with the boy, so very gentle, as gentle as one could humanly be during that act, pleased to discover how everything they were doing was new for the boy in his arms, how Subaru-kun had remained unspoiled until then and how he was answering to his actions with a shy passion that Seishiro truly found delicious, how the boy wanted him as much, no far more than Seishiro wanted him, how every side of Subaru-kun was perfect, how he couldn't find even a single imperfection in his prey and how Subaru-kun couldn't, apparently, find any imperfection in him. The boy was all he wanted and he, he was all Subaru-kun wanted, the only one Subaru-kun wanted. There had been no one else before him and there would be no one else after him. He was perfection in Subaru-kun's eyes as the boy was in his, the only answer to Subaru-kun's wishes and that was good.

And now Seishiro was watching Subaru-kun sleeping serenely in his arms, knowing that in a couple of minutes he would get up and abandon the boy to his own destiny, because what use could Subaru-kun have to him, except that of a temporal source of amusement and pleasure, a toy with whom he could indulge himself during his free time and that he would discharge once he had had his fun? He would leave the boy in a couple of minutes, Seishiro was sure of it, he had been sure of it for more than three hours and probably, left on his own, if Subaru-kun kept sleeping so innocently and beautifully in his arms, he would be sure of it until Judgement Day. After all, what were a couple of minutes of his time wasted when he could enjoy the sight of such beauty at such a close distance?

Subaru-kun snuggled closer to him in his sleep in a rather adorable manner and Seishiro smiled fondly at him, reaching down to caress his hair. Only another couple of minutes...

"You know, maybe you're right. He looks cute right now," a thoughtful, very familiar voice startled Seishiro out of his contemplation of Subaru-kun. He turned immediately toward the intruder, hating how he had been caught off-guard and wondering how the boy had managed to accomplish it, one of his arms wrapping protectively around Subaru-kun and pulling him even closer. That teenager had done enough damage to his prey. Seishiro wouldn't allow him to touch the boy again. Subaru-kun was only his to play with.

"What are you doing here? I thought Subaru-kun wasn't to your taste," he replied, unable to keep his annoyance completely out of his voice. Well, maybe he would have managed it, if all he had felt had been annoyance. Since it wasn't he failed quite miserably. Not that he realized it.

"You didn't lock the door," the teenager informed him smugly. "Really careless of you, but you never seem to think too deeply of the consequences your actions can have. Are you going to leave?" he asked then, raising one of his eyebrows, his expression a mix between amusement and curiosity.

"In a couple of minutes," Seishiro informed him, not making any attempt to move from the bed, merely covering Subaru-kun's naked body more with the bed sheets, hiding him as much as possible from the teenager's eyes. Kamui didn't deserve to see him and he wouldn't share the view with him anyway.

"He won't live for long, you know. Maybe you should try to fulfil your Wish now that you still can," the youth informed him in a dismissive tone, leaning against a wall.

"What do you mean?" he countered, narrowing his eyes. If that brat was planning to harm his property again he would show him no one could touch Sakurazuka Seishiro's things and live to tell about it, he mused as he unconsciously tightened his hold on Subaru-kun, who continued to sleep, blissfully oblivious of what was going on around him. The boy had missed too many night of sleep to wake up and the activity in which Seishiro had busied him some hours before had been the last drop. Subaru was worn out and was finally having the chance enjoy his very much needed rest in Seishiro-san's arms and, as absurd as it was, he felt completely safe in them. Subaru wouldn't wake up, not even if the end of the world were to take place in that same room, right in front of him.

"He comes from an ancient family just like you, doesn't he? I think there's something people like him do when they have been dishonoured and used, which is exactly what you've done to him tonight. It's Harakiri, isn't it?" the teenager asked dismissively.

"The correct term is Seppuku," Seishiro corrected him and Subaru-kun would so not do it. No one was allowed to harm his property, not even Subaru-kun himself, only what Kamui had said made sense and Subaru-kun would surely feel it was his duty and do it. Subaru-kun was always so bent on fulfilling his duty, and Seishiro couldn't allow it, he couldn't care less what the boy felt was his duty, only he would be with Subaru-kun for only two minutes more... and then who knew what the boy would do, once left on his own? Subaru-kun had so little sense of self-preservation...(8)

"He won't do this. Not right now. His honour will demand he try to kill me first..." Seishiro pointed out, but that defence seemed weak somehow. Subaru-kun had let him go so far with him willingly and he had never been the type to blame others for the consequences of his actions, quite the contrary, really. What were the chances he would try to blame what had happened between them on Seishiro? As to confirm his unvoiced suspicions the teenager shook his head.

"For knowing him so well you understand him surprisingly little," Kamui stated. "He's not a vengeful person, he won't take his guilt out on you. Congratulations for becoming the owner of a soon to be pretty corpse. Too bad corpses don't fulfil Wishes, do they?" the teenager teased him. Seishiro frowned.

"I..." He could still try and fulfil his Wish before Subaru-kun would do something stupid. Hokuto-chan's spell would work, even if Subaru-kun was asleep and Seishiro might always wake him to be sure. Kamui gave him a thoughtful took.

"I see, you're planning to fulfil your Wish before the inevitable will happen," he observed with a smile of complicity. "Well, that's fine for me. He'll truly make a lovely plaything, now that you also trained him in the ways of physical pleasure," the boy stated as he walked closer to them.

"What are you talking about? Subaru-kun is mine to play with, not yours," Seishiro pointed out in a threatening tone despite the predicament in which he was.

"Oh, he'll surely need some comfort when he finds your corpse into his bed after you used him, won't he? Think of the trauma," the youth continued in an almost ironic tone, moving even closer, stretching his hand toward Subaru-kun's foot.

"You're not going to touch Subaru-kun," Seishiro hissed, pulling the boy closer to him, practically into his lap, and holding him in his arms protectively.

"Who'll stop me, you? You wouldn't even manage alive, how will you accomplish it dead?" the boy stated smugly crossing his arms over his chest. "Well, I guess I'll give you the opportunity to get yourself killed privately. Please, try to not soil him and the bed too much with your blood. I don't like doing it in an overly messy place..." the boy requested before turning and, finally, leaving.

Seishiro was left alone with Subaru-kun, his gaze automatically moving to the boy in his arms who continued to sleep contently, blissfully unaware of the situation in which he was. Subaru-kun must have been truly exhausted to manage to remain asleep... they hadn't really bothered to lower their voices... Subaru-kun really should learn to take better care of himself and to rest some more... and yet he was still so beautiful... so very beautiful... and Seishiro couldn't bear the idea of sharing him or losing him... He...

* * *

Subaru awoke hours later, feeling, for once, fully rested. His body felt a bit tender if he had to be honest, but he didn't mind. He had awoken in far worse conditions and it hadn't made a difference back then, so why should it make a difference now? Actually he truly felt... great in a fashion... even if he had no clear idea why and, frankly, he didn't care. He yawned sleepily, and closed his eyes again. He didn't want to get up, he only wanted to snuggle closer to Seishiro-san and... and...

Wait a moment here, his mind exclaimed rather abruptly, causing him to awake fully and rather abruptly as his eyes widened.

Seishiro-san? Here? In his bed? With him? And he... he was stark naked? And he too? And... and...

He stared at the man who was currently leaning against the headboard in a sitting position, smoking a cigarette, his brain going in overload as he remembered what exactly had happened the day before in more details than the ones he was ready to face at the moment, unable to move and surely that **_had_** to be a dream, even if he couldn't tell yet if it was a good or a bad one. Seishiro-san turned to look at him and Subaru lowered his gaze, feeling guilty and embarrassed somehow at having been caught while looking at the man. It was rather stupid to feel like that over such a small thing after what they had done and Subaru knew it, however he couldn't help it as he absently snuggled even closer to the man, as if in search of comfort, enjoying how Seishiro-san's hand was petting him, caressing his hair and back gently, as one would do with a kitten. For a while neither of them said anything.

"Subaru-kun, now that you're awake can you please let go of me? I'd like to get up," Seishiro-san told him in a calm tone not much later, without bothering to look at him, his attention completely focused on the cigarette he was smoking. Subaru realized only in that moment that his arms were tightly wrapped around Seishiro-san's waist and slowly, reluctantly, released him, truly hating himself for... for... He knew he should hate himself for what he had allowed to happen but the truth was he didn't regret it. He had wanted it, he had wanted it so much... and the only reason which he was hating himself for was that now he was allowing the man to go away, to abandon him all over again. He didn't want that, he hated that, but he just wasn't able to impose his wishes and so...

Seishiro-san stood as soon as Subaru released him and Subaru curled into a ball, knowing it was only a matter of time before he would be abandoned and forgotten again and feeling like he deserved it. He didn't harbour suicidal thoughts as the Chi no Ryu's Kamui said he would, after all he still had his one Wish he wanted to fulfil but that didn't mean he was pleased with himself. He'd been an idiot, really. He had let the man use him, knowing it would mean nothing to Seishiro-san and now... now...

"What are you doing there, Subaru-kun?" Seishiro-san asked him, pulling away the covers from his body, startling him. Instinctively, he immediately reached back for them, covering his body as he sat up, feeling a mix of embarrassment and annoyance at the mischievous light in the man's eyes as he still held the other side of the covers, as if planning to rip them from Subaru's grasp. Actually that was exactly what Seishiro wanted to do, Subaru-kun was just too cute like that and he would be even more adorable were Seishiro trying to embarrass him further, but he resisted to the temptation admirably as he let the covers go.

"Get up, Subaru-kun," he told the boy instead in a rather practical tone. "You need to get dressed too, so we can go have breakfast somewhere. I checked your kitchen yesterday night and I saw that there's nothing edible in it," he pointed out with a rather disgusted expression. The only thing he had found in Subaru-kun's cupboard was instant Ramen, some of which was dangerously close to its expiration date. There were no sweets at all and the only type of tea the boy had was of such a cheap brand that Seishiro had flatly refused to even consider using it. The fridge contained only a bottle of what, weeks ago, must have been milk, at least that was what the writing on the bottle said. Seishiro doubted someone would have been able to recognize that disgusting looking and rather smelly liquid as milk now and, last night, he had hurried to throw it away. Really, Hokuto-chan hadn't lied when she said that, without having her around Subaru-kun would completely forget to eat. It was a real wonder how the boy hadn't managed yet to starve himself to death or to poison himself and it was time to put an end to Subaru-kun's unhealthy habit of skipping breakfast too. "And once we've had breakfast you will have to help me to pack your belongings," he continued carelessly, while he got dressed, mentally cursing the poor state of his clothes. Really, he should have treated them with more care the night before. What had he been thinking of when he had discharged them unceremoniously on the floor of Subaru-kun's bedroom? A single look at the owner of said bedroom helped him refresh his memory and decide that, after all, those thoughts had been fully worth the damage.

"Pack my belongings?" Subaru echoed, still sitting on the bed, his eyes unable to leave Seishiro-san despite the fact he knew rather well it was improper to stare, especially while the man was dressing. He replayed the man's words in his mind but they still refused to make sense so, maybe, he was dreaming. He was sure he would never catch Seishiro-san saying something senseless. Seishiro-san turned to look at him as he finished latching his white shirt and Subaru lowered his eyes, feeling very stupid for his inability to understand what the man had meant with his words.

"Subaru-kun, you surely don't expect me to live in this place that seems about to fall on our heads, do you?" Seishiro-san asked him in a patient tone and Subaru blinked at the question that, to him, made even less sense than the man's previous words. "Subaru-kun, you're moving to my house and that's it," Seishiro-san stated, then, decidedly, he walked to Subaru's dresser, rummaged through it, picked up some clothes he seemed to deem suitable for Subaru to wear and threw them in his lap.

"I'm moving to your house?" Subaru repeated in a small voice, trying desperately to make sense of the man's words and failing. Why was Seishiro-san telling him that? He couldn't possibly mean it... Was this only a joke? A dream? He really didn't understand...

"Yes," Seishiro said simply as he searched for his suit's jacket. "Subaru-kun, hurry up, we don't have all day and I'm starved. And you need to eat, too. We don't want you to get too skinny, do we?" he told the boy when he noticed Subaru-kun hadn't moved yet from his position on the bed. He wanted to leave that place and he wanted to leave it quickly, before Kamui felt tempted to intrude into his and Subaru-kun's relationship again. Subaru-kun however didn't try to leave his bed, on the contrary he curled on himself, looking rather childish and adorable, which was probably the only reason that stopped Seishiro from reproaching him and made him sit next to him. "Subaru-kun? Don't you want to come with me?" he asked in what he wanted to be a gentle tone but that sounded suspiciously like a pout.

"Is this a joke I'm not supposed to get?" the boy asked him, sounding hopeless and desperate, his gaze downcast. Cute. And so very, very beautiful...

"It's not a joke, Subaru-kun," Seishiro assured him, resting his hand on the boy's cheek and saw Subaru-kun's turning immediately to look at him, green eyes open wide and lips slightly parted and he couldn't resist the temptation to kiss them gently. _'Gently'_ turned quickly into _'passionately'_, as Subaru-kun clung to him desperately. "So, don't you want to come?" he asked again in a teasing tone when they parted.

Subaru-kun blinked a couple of times, then nodded and hurried to pull on his shirt. Seishiro was fast to help him before the boy ended up moving his bandages out of place. Actually it would be better if he helped Subaru-kun rewrap them. The boy had just gotten out of the hospital and yet he seemed completely oblivious of his injuries and still delicate state. Actually Subaru couldn't have cared less about his physical state as he hurried to finish getting dressed. He didn't want to risk having Seishiro-san change his mind due to his slowness. Actually he thought that whole situation was absurd and surreal and he expected to wake up from it any moment and yet he couldn't help but feeling so incredibly happy he felt almost tempted to grin. Hugely. Not that he would manage to. He was too unused to grinning to accomplish it, however... however, when he looked up at Seishiro-san again after he had finished dressing he was smiling.

It was a tiny smile really, but that smile was the beautiful smile he had when Seishiro first met him and that had allured him at first glance, a smile that reached Subaru-kun's eyes and made then shine beautifully in true happiness, making Subaru-kun the most beautiful thing in the whole world. Seishiro smiled back at the boy, pleased. Subaru-kun smiled like that only at him and so he could rightfully say that beautiful smile was **_his_** and **_his_** only. He would never leave it to Kamui or to anyone else. No, Subaru-kun had been born to belong solely to him and he would never let anyone else have him. Never.

* * *

"Kamui, why did you do that?" Kakyou asked him as soon as the teenager found himself back in the YumeMi's dream.

"Didn't you ask me to?" the youth countered, raising one of his eyebrows questioningly. "Didn't you say you wanted the Wish of that Ten no Ryu's sister fulfilled?" For Kamui everything was really as simple as that. Someone Wished for something and he fulfilled that Wish. He really needed no other reason to act and didn't care at all what was the Wish he was fulfilling, if it was bad or good or which consequences it could have and how hard it could be to fulfil it. It was a Wish. For him that was enough.

"Yes, but... that wasn't quite what I had in mind..." Kakyou replied, frowning. "And I still don't understand how you've accomplished it..." he added. He... he had seen which future the Sakurazukamori and Hokuto's brother were supposed to have and... and he had felt happy in seeing that Hokuto's murderer and the boy who had caused her death would suffer so much. Then... then he had dreamt of Hokuto, Hokuto crying over their destiny and... and he had felt guilty, so very guilty he had changed his mind. He couldn't forgive the Sakurazukamori or her brother for causing her death but... he didn't want to see Hokuto crying, not even when he wasn't sure if that dream was a prophetic one or one of the few normal dreams he had. Hokuto, after all, was dead but... but what if her spirit was still lingering around and suffering for her brother and the Sakurazukamori?(9)

Tormented by this idea he had asked to the only person he knew that could help him, Kamui. He had asked him to fulfil her Wish, despite the fact she had been dead such a long time. Hoping that would make her happy. Hoping to stop her tears.

Kamui hadn't cared if the girl was dead. To him a Wish was a Wish and he had promised Kakyou he would take care of it and so he had.

"Don't worry about it, Kakyou," Kamui replied carelessly, as if all he had done had been just ordinary administration. "Manipulating the Sakurazukamori is very easy once you get to understand him. He needs things to be done on his own terms. Force him to move by different rules and he won't know which steps to take and so he'll go clinging his precious Ten no Ryu like a little child in search of reassurance. He's really like a big child and that Ten no Ryu is the only true constant in his life, the only thing in which he trusts and the only thing for which he cares, even if he's blissfully unaware of it. He could never bear living permanently without him, or losing him, or giving him to someone else. Now that he knows that the boy could be stolen from him if he turns his gaze away for too long, he won't let him go farther from him than a couple of steps, no matter what, that's for sure. He's not that stupid to risk him. He knows the boy can't be replaced."

"Then... Hokuto will be happy?" Kakyou asked hesitantly. He wasn't sure he had understood Kamui's logic but as long as Kamui's plan worked he was fine with it.

"She will," Kamui assured. "You too should start to Wish for things better than death, you know?" the boy added. Kakyou lowered one of his eyebrows, his expression doubtful.

"Can you resurrect Hokuto?" he asked.

"Well, not really..." Kamui admitted in an uneasy tone. Despite his amazing power he too had some boundaries he could not cross.

"Then I want to go to her. That's my only Wish..." the YumeMi replied stubbornly. Kamui sighed. Fulfilling Wishes was a job harder than people believed it to be...

_**"Failure is the only way to learn till you've come undone  
The rest will never find out what they might have been **_

_**And we're not gonna live forever  
Can you tell me is it now or never  
I'm not gonna make up your mind. **_

**_I don't wanna live without you  
And I don't wanna live a lie  
We'll never know till we try  
Yeah we'll never know till we try."  
(Lifehouse - "We'll Never Know")_**

* * *

**JJ's Notes:**

1. The **'Mona Lisa'** is a painting by Leonardo Da Vinci while **'David'** is a sculpture made by Michelangelo Buonarroti. Yes, I know they're both Italian artists and maybe it would have made more sense if I were to mention works from Japanese artists but I've heard Japanese people like Italian art and... well... being Italian I admit I'm a little biased over it... please, forgive me.

2. The Chi no Ryu's Kamui is showed wearing shades during part of the manga.

3. Subaru in the manga is a smoker but it's never clearly said if he eats little or not. In **'Tokyo Babylon'** Hokuto said that, without her, he would forget to eat and I'll trust her on this. It's not said if he sleeps enough also, but he's shown waking up due to nightmares. As for Subaru's hands... keeping them always covered with gloves in his youth should have made them a bit more delicate then they should be.

4. In the manga Seishiro destroyed the Sunshine Building in Nakano and Subaru managed to track him down while he was trying to smoke a cigarette in front of the destroyed building.

5. Satsuki attacked the Shinjuku High-rises. Yuzuriha tried to stop her but failed and Inuki, in attempt to protect her, was killed. Kusanagi rescued Yuzuriha but, for a while, the Ten no Ryu had no idea where she was. Short after the fight between Yuzuriha and Satsuki Fuma killed Saiki and injured Kamui severely. With the destruction of the Shinjuku High-rises, that were one of the many Kekkai in Tokyo, part of Shinjuku was destroyed as well. However it's obvious not all of Shinjuku got destroyed because the Tokyo Government Office, that's also the Chi no Ryu's Headquarter is in Shinjuku as well and it's still standing. Subaru's apartment is in Shinjuku, too but in a different district from the Shinjuku High-rises, so I assume the place is still standing. Shinjuku Hospital instead had to be evacuated. Subaru, who was still hospitalised during the battle, is shown wandering around after it so I assume he had taken that chance to be released.

6. _'Only who's sick in the heart can think of only one person'_. That's what one of Subaru's customers told Subaru.

7. Despite many fanfics saying otherwise Subaru and Hokuto didn't share the same apartment. They had two different apartments, likely in the same building and likely close, even if Hokuto had the habit to use her brother's kitchen. CLAMP showed plans of the two apartments in their magazine **'CLAMP News'**.

8. _'Harakiri'_ and _'Seppuku'_ mean the same thing, however I've read the correct name for ritual disembowelment should be _'Seppuku'_, _'Harakiri'_ being only a slang term for it and from here is born Seishiro's reply. If I've been misinformed I apologize.

9. I've no idea if a YumeMi can have normal, not prophetic dreams. I assumed he could. As for Hokuto's spirit... in the manga no one knows where it is (yes, I know, in the Anime it ends up visiting Kakyou and Subaru's dreams but in the manga there's no track of this, so I'll go for the idea no one knows where it is).

**JJ's Extra Notes:**  
All this was born, in the beginning, with the idea to give a realistic description of how Subaru and Seishiro looked... However, there was no way I could have Seishiro or Subaru saying the other was something less than beautiful. It just... didn't fit them. So Kamui came into the scheme and, since he was at it, I thought he could try accomplishing something useful too...  
I know fandom tends to portray these sorts of meetings between Subaru and Seishiro a bit differently. However in the manga, when Subaru meets Seishiro he doesn't blush and he doesn't talk much and I tried to go for it (I know, in the manga Seishiro didn't try to get in Subaru's bed, which is too bad, but...). As for why Subaru accepted so easily to get in bed with the man... well, in the manga Subaru wants Seishiro to kill him... having sex with him can't be worse than this and it would actually give Subaru the chance to keep Seishiro's attention on him for a while and in a nice way. And I think Subaru, at twenty-five, might have been old enough to wish to have a relationship with Seishiro that wasn't just... platonic...  
And no, I don't think he would commit suicide after this. After all he chose to do it.  
Seishiro however can't really understand how Subaru works when he's involved (in the manga, despite Hokuto's words, he doesn't seem to realize he's special for Subaru) and Kamui confused him enough. I know, I know, he should get killed by Subaru so that he could pass to him the title of Sakurazukamori but I figure he wouldn't like the idea Kamui might steal the boy from him when he's not around anymore.  
As for Subaru accepting to move in with Seishiro... he's ready to get killed by him in order to mean something to him and he admits more than often that he doesn't care about others as long as he gets his Wish fulfilled. Why should he refuse to move in with him? Wouldn't this be a way better solution than dying?

**Dictionary:**  
**-chan:** Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child  
**-kun:** Young  
**-san:** "Mr." or "Mrs."  
**Chi no Ryu:** Dragon of Earth  
**Gakuen:** Campus  
**Harakiri:** "Stomach Cutting" or "Disembowelment"  
**Kekkai:** Shield  
**Ketsu-in:** "Mudra". Special ritual gestures formed by knotting the fingers in various complex patterns  
**Maboroshi:** Illusion  
**Onmyoudo:** "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based on the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature  
**Onmyoujutsu:** "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells  
**Sakurazukamori:** "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill who threatens Japan  
**Seppuku:** "Stomach Cutting". Ritual suicide by disembowelment  
**Ten no Ryu:** Dragon of Heaven  
**YumeMi:** "Dreamgazer". Who can see the future in dreams

* * *

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!  
Send me your comments!


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